My First Mother's Day Without You

My Mom... my “person” for 28 years of life...... my FIRST Mother’s Day without you.....

I still remember laying in my bed with my Mumma, my best friend, having our usual talks about life. I asked her, “ Mumma, if there ever is a day that you are not there— who should I even go to for that Motherly advice/love?” She looked at me and said “ME, Dikra. Even if I am not there, I don’t want you to go to anyone else. Just close your eyes and think of your Mumma. Imagine what I would say or advise you to do, sweetumpoo.”

“Maa Bachon Ki Jaan Hoti Hai

Voh Hote Hai Kismat

Waale Jinke Maa Hoti Hai” 

The one person who never failed to believe in me, give me a second chance, push me to my best, understand me, and love me unconditionally. The one person who made me understand the importance of having faith as she incorporated Bhagwan nu Naam in EVERY sentence. It is crazy how I realize that so apparently now that I’m surrounded by so many people who don’t typically do this.... I can’t find a card or voicemail or even text from you that didn’t have at least an 🕉 “Om Namah Shivah” or "Om Hanuman-thai Namahuh" in it. 

People say time heals all, but in the case of losing my mom, I feel like this can never be true for me. Because every waking day is a day I have to spend without your love, hugs, warmth, positivity. Your personality. It’s suffocating sometimes to try and get through life without you. 

Every day something is changing, and it’s so hard to deal with any sort of change when you lose someone.... even down to changing where things are placed or how things are done. I feel like I am trying so hard to keep those things in place because internally I can do nothing to preserve the feeling you made me feel every day—- unwavering support, genuine love, purest advice, warmest touch. I am finding peace in things that you treasure---your Mandir, plants, animals, the beautiful sunshine.

When you lose someone, you realize it’s not the “big” things you miss.... I guess this is why I struggle with relating to others sometimes when it comes to loss. It’s most certainly the little things for me which is why that person is impossible to even try to replace. It’s not only about having a mom... it’s about the specific role you played with YOUR character.... your ideals... your specific guidance... your beliefs...you charisma... your energy. It’s about waking up every morning to your voice and hearing you sing me a different bhajan. It’s about how you showed your love through your actions through loving cards, goofiness, and inexplicable moments. It’s about how you carried yourself that made me so so so proud and blessed to have a lady like you to look up to. It is about not being able to tell you things.... not because I need someone to confide in but mostly bc I need your response/reaction and your comforting words as you gently stroke my forehead with your soft loving hands.  It’s about how easily you forgave others and were so at peace with giving more than you received. You made loving others so simple and, most importantly, you loved making everyone feel like someone! It’s about how unapologetically yourself you were... honest, pure, and always with the best intentions. It’s about how every time you prayed you cried, and every time you spoke to me I could see the love in your eyes. It’s about all the silly sweet names you had for not only me but the birds, doggies, lizards, deer and turtles outside. It is YOUR personality that I miss and need in my life.... what made you, YOU.

With me and you, it was the everyday moments that made our bond so irreplaceable and that was so blatantly clear to anyone close to us. I would never wish upon anyone what I feel... for a mother and daughter to be separated. I am so blessed to have been able to have those moments with you, but I feel so robbed knowing I will never get them again. Waking up this morning, I have never felt so emotionally paralyzed and numb. I knew this day would be hard.... but even that doesn’t account for how I feel today. I miss being able to plan this day for you and see how special you felt. I miss being able to share details with you about everything happening in our lives at 845 Oakcrest. You are truly the world’s BEST mom.... and honestly, idk where you found the energy or how you were filled with so much love and understanding. Just making rotli no lot takes the life out of me some days.... smh.

Sometimes in a world full of people, the only person you seek/need is your Mummy.  It’s not fair that you had our Baa-bee till you were 61 years old, Mumma... I would do anything for 61 years with you but for some reason I only got 28. :*(

I find myself constantly dissatisfied with the words I pull together to describe you bc no words could ever suffice. I wish I could just have a pop up preview for everyone I meet to explain who you are... but its impossi ble to put Akuri in a "nutshell." But I can’t stop trying bc I want to make sure it’s clear who you are, what you mean to me, and what you represent always and forever. I never want someone in my life to not know just how important you are to me. You shaped me into who I am with every push, every piece of faith/hope, and every ounce of love, Mummy.

SO many people still come up to me saying how much they miss you and how wonderful a human being they thought you were. I hope I can possess even a portion of the strength and positivity you had so I can, too, can one day give love so easily like you did, forgive others so easily like you did, and brighten this world so effortlessly like you did. Just imagine....you left this much of an impact on this world.... think about the impact you left on your baby girl. I’m so blessed to have been raised by you and your Mummy— our Baa. Not a day doesn’t go by when I don’t think of you both and what an ENORMOUS impact you had in shaping me into the person I am today. 

🕉♥️When I close my eyes today, I imagine you and my sweet, loving Baa-bee (my two besties) in the sunniest most beautiful heavenly place with our Rani and Tinah... surrounding by all those that love you with the biggest smile on your face in heaven’s most treasured garden with all of your fav plants, flowers, and animals.... I wish I could teleport there to be with you.....It’s so unfair.... but until I see you again.... I will always hold you in each and every beat of my whole heart and soul ♥️🕉

I love you so much Mummy. Happy Mother's Day 2019....continue to shine your light down on me.... </3

--Your Dikri always and forever,

Kristi Govind

@theKristiKahani